This summer, I didn't wait for desperate times to put up an ad on the internet. I was stressed, yes, even scared....but not desperate. I kept my guitar, my computer, and my digital camera. I didn't sell my car, and I remained enrolled at an expensive private college.
When I put up my first ad, I sat in my comfy desk chair and pressed the submit button from my personal computer. In advertising myself, I used my intellectual and socioeconomic privilege to up-sell whatever goods I had to offer.
Want sex but feel too guilty to pay for it? What about an "intimate encounter" with a witty non-pro? I scratch your back you scratch mine, right? I've got student loans; you've got more money than you're interested in spending on your frazzled wife of twenty years. Really, it's a match made in heaven.My mother called again today to gripe about the economy. "The money just isn't there...it just isn't there," she said over and over again.
When I walk away with my diploma in eight months, I know that the money still won't be there. My dictatorial father is about to jump ship, and when he does, he will leave behind a stay-at-home mother in denial about her empty nest and two daughters with bachelor's degrees and a hundred thousand dollars worth of debt. When this happens, my mother will awaken to the reality of her financial destitution. She'll stop fooling herself into thinking that she can still support me, and long story short, I want to be prepared for the moment when the whole shithouse comes crumbling to the ground.
So what's my next move? I can put up another ad and jump back in before I reach a point of desperation, or I can hold off until I feel like it's my only choice. Yes, I know that my "supposed" desperation is directly proportional to my privilege, but here's the skinny: I want to graduate in the spring, and I want to graduate with a body of work that I feel proud of. I can sell my computer, I can juggle a full time job, but I can't do these things AND put all of my free time and creative energy into my academic work.
If I've made the decision I think I've made, I know that this decision involves lying to someone who loves me and lying to those who have lent me unconditional support over the years. I don't know if it's possible to lie for the greater good, but while I sit here and theorize, my tuition bills aren't getting any smaller.
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1 comment:
I feel for you honey. I hope you make the right decision, and leave the industry when you have made enough money. Don't get caught in the trap and think you need to stay a moment longer than is necessary.
Sarah x x
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